Some Grade F movies

I thought I'd start out this blog with a sample of some movies I have watched in each category. F movies are unwatchable, in my opinion; in the "What were they thinking?" category. I only list those that were surprising, where my expectations were much higher.

F

Millions

Dir = Danny Boyle

Two young boys, maybe 8 and 12, in England, find a bag of stolen money, try to give it to the poor while bad guys are in pursuit. A slight comment on the difficulties of philanthropy, which would have made a good movie. But mostly sentimental and religious middle class muck. Cute kids though.

F

Hotel

John Malkovich, Salma Hayek, Lucy Liu, David Schwimmer, Rhys Ifans and Burt Reynolds (really.) Dir: Mike Figgis

A film crew tries to make a "Dogmatic" film in Venice. Lots of big names in a movie is a bad sign, and this proves the rule. A few clever lines , good situations, and interesting shots, but only about 20 minutes worth in this 2 hr parade of disconnected, painfully self-conscious scenes. It could have been a college project. Some acting by Ifans, but lack of narrative or character development moves it beyond boring to irritating.

F

National Treasure

Nicolas Cage

The DaVinci code morphs into Indiana Jones. A treasure map on the back of the Declaration of independence must be stolen. No problem! Wouldn't even make sense to kids. I rented it to see Cage, without realizing it was a Disney. No acting, plot, script, music: nothing.

F

Godsend

Robert De Niro (what was he thinking?)

De Niro is a mad scientist who clones a boy killed at age 8. New boy has inappropriate affect, though no one notices, until finally, yup, he sees dead people. Film doesn't even express social anxiety about cloning. Risible.

F

Cold Mountain

Nicole Kidman, Rene Zellweger, Jude Law

Civil war confederate soldier deserts his unit and takes an odyssey back home to his girl, NK. Colors quote O Brother. A gunfight or explosion every 10 minutes like clockwork. Stereotyped and cliched in every department. Very Disney-esque. Even Renee's ham performance couldn't save this dog.

F

The Safety of Objects

Glen Close, others. Writ, Dir = Rose Troche.

Four families live in suburbs. That's it! Mind-numbing banality. Unbelievably cliched acting, script. Unwatchable.

F

Fidel

Nobody

Docu-drama biography of Fidel Castro. Amateurish acting, stereotypical scenes, no dramatic tension except the historical tie-in. Unwatchable.

F

Bird

Forrest Whittaker, Clint Eastwood Dir.

Bio of Charlie Parker. Whittaker is way over the top with his ham acting. Noticeably poor camera work. Filled with clichés and not even much emphasis on the music. Unwatchable.

F

Vanilla Sky

Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz, Kurt Russell. Dir = Cameron Crow

Dream of a rich kid and his confused reality. Lifeless script, cliché photog. Tom Cruise still can’t act. Surprisingly, Kurt Russell can. Movie is worthless.

F

Humanite

French, Cannes winner (the kiss of death). Subtitled.

Cop finds a rape victim, is unaccountably shocked, spends rest of film gazing “existentially” into the sea.

F

About Schmidt

Jack Nicholson, Cathy Bates

Retired actuary lives a boring life. If you taught a class in film, you could use this to show how excellent acting, sets and costumes cannot save a dead script. Unsuccessful satire of middle class values using only tired cliches.

F

Gangs of New York

Leonardo Dicaprio, Carmen Diaz. Dir=Scorsese

10 Academy award nominations! Big crowds, noisy parades, sprawling brawls, loud gatherings, but nothing going on. Wooden acting, plodding script. Gave up after an hour of utter boredom. Cute costumes.

F

Laurel Canyon

Francis McDormand, Cate Beckinsale

Young couple from Harvard moves to LA to finish scholarly degrees, fall into the evil California lifestyle of drugs, sex, rock n roll. Hey, it could happen to anyone! No obvious purpose or outcome. Stiff, unmotivated 2-D characters. Maybe an F+ out of respect for Francis.

F

The Pianist

Dir=Polansky. Adrian Brody

3 academy awards! Polish Jews were treated badly by Nazis. Who knew? One guy continues to play uninspired Chopin throughout. Slow moving. Blue filters indicate squalor. Yet another bad remake of Schindler's list. Why?